Thursday, July 23, 2015

full days and sleepless nights

I wrote this a few days ago, but I wanted to post it now because so many of these things are still going through my mind:

We are on day two of no sleep here. But the lack of sleep has little to do with the teething baby crawling all over the floor, but with me. With me and all my lists and plans and must-dos. It's a crash course in overstimulation over here.

This is not a new phenomenon. It's not like that scene in that Sarah Jessica Parker movie about having it all where she scribbles out lists about bake sales and car pools because she's the, ugh, the mom. This is me and this has always been me.
I will not say that i regret any of it. These full, full days where we go from work to park to laundry and dishes and vacuuming to meeting with friends to dinners out. Where we do and experience summer in the best possible way. BBQs and amusement parks, days off to go to the zoo and first times in the pool. These are the days I wanted. I am ok with this, really.

But then. Oh, but then. The reality of it all comes crashing down and I've got a sore throat that morphs into sneezes and coughs and a day curled up on the couch binge watching an ABC Family show because you'll never get this girl to stop watching dramas meant for teenagers.

And even as I’m in that, I’m back at it. Wanting to set up a regular workout schedule, to get on this meal planning bandwagon, to change out the two completely mismatched chairs in the living room to something that actually, well, matches. To get in a date night, to read more books, to freeze the bananas I insist on buying even though they always go bad.

I know it can only be one thing that at a time. But how do you decide what the first addition will be? How do you figure what, if anything, you’ll cut out? Do you prioritize people over things? Things over time to yourself? Time to yourself over whatever else is left?

I do it to myself, I know. And I maybe I wouldn’t have it any other way. I don’t think I’d have it any other way.

As usual, I don’t know what the solution is. What the right answer is. It’s balance, probably. It always is. Leaning on others, as I’ve come to realize, is essential. So is accepting what you can do with what you’ve got right now.

And this is the life I'm choosing right now. It'll change one day, that much I know. Maybe I'll miss it. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll just look back at think, damn you were lucky.

[photo via unsplash

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